August 29, 2009

Dearly beloved, it is with a heavy heart and a sad face that I say this to you this morning.

As of last Friday the 28th August, I have been forced to leave the Manchester rock'n'roll pop group Oasis.

The details are not important and of too great a number to list. But I feel you have the right to know that the level of verbal and violent intimidation towards me, my family, friends and comrades has become intolerable. And the lack of support and understanding from my management and band mates has left me with no other option than to get me cape and seek pastures new.

I would like firstly to offer my apologies to them kids in Paris who'd paid money and waited all day to see us only to be let down AGAIN by the band. Apologies are probably not enough, I know, but I'm afraid it's all I've got.

While I'm on the subject, I'd like to say to the good people of V Festival that experienced the same thing. Again, I can only apologise - although I don't know why, it was nothing to do with me. I was match fit and ready to be brilliant. Alas, other people in the group weren't up to it.

In closing I would like to thank all the Oasis fans, all over the world. The last 18 years have been truly, truly amazing (and I hate that word, but today is the one time I'll deem it appropriate). A dream come true. I take with me glorious memories.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have a family and a football team to indulge.

I'll see you somewhere down the road. It's been a fuckin' pleasure.

Thanks very much.


posted by おっさn at 05:59| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

August 20-22, 2009

Yes. The massive. How on earth is everyone? All good? Wonderful.

Fuck me, I enjoyed those 2 weeks off. Had some beautiful quiet nights in with Nancy and a couple of truly magical nights out with.. well, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me. I will say this though, there was royalty involved!!

Had a few days on the Amalfi coast in Italia. Very nice. Lovely weather.

What else? BUT, OF COURSE!! The football season's started. Me and Burning Natty and various comrades made our way up to Blackburn to see Man City take the first steps of the new revolution. What a day! Must've been 10,000 Blues there. Unbelievable atmosphere. Bit like an Oasis gig.

Talking of which, I'm at Kings Cross Station. Former home of Russell Brand. Catching a train to York. Got a gig tonight at a health spa in Bridlington. A warm up for that V Festival this weekend. If you're coming, I'll see you there. I'll be stage right. Being brilliant.

In a bit.



Last night? Blinding. Very, very hot. Loud crowd.

Bridlington's like the land that time forgot. Y'know that tune by Morrissey, "Every Day Is Like Sunday"? Surely he wrote it about Bridlington? Nice people though.

Legged it to York straight after the gig with Burning Natty. Had to get an early train back to London in the a.m. Got some family business to take care of.

The York races are on so there was some wonderful sights on the platform. Fat orange birds in ludicrous hats.

Day off today. Heading back up north tomorrow. Going to see City before we smash the V Festival in Stafford.

In a bit.


Boo! Just come off stage at V in Stafford. And I don't mind admitting that I didn't enjoy it one bit. Dunno know. Couldn't get into it. Very strange.

Don't feel too clever. Outrageous stomach ache. Feel like I'm coming down with summat. Bugger. Might have to get the doctor out in the morning. Hope it came out of the speakers ok. Gutted.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 05:54| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


July 28, 2009(フジロック)

Phew. Just back from that whistle stop tour of the far east. Japan, South Korea and Hong Kong. 5 days. 2 gigs. Lots of noodles and a million air miles. My phone didn't work out there and I wasn't keeping notes so you'll have to do with what I can remember, which doesn't bode well. Here goes.

At Heathrow, on the way out, I bumped into that Jenson Button. He's a racing car driver. A famous one. Pretty good too, by all accounts. And I seen that Stephen Fry. He's famous for knowing pretty much everything.

Got hassled by a man (I think it was a man!) in a kilt. Who wasn't famous or Scottish, just annoying. The flight was mobbed. Watched that film about that heavy metal band "Anvil". Fuckin' funny. Metal is though, innit?

Was met at the airport by that girl who invented the "Noel Or Die" sign. Only now she's made t-shirts. With me as a Simpsons character who looks more like Tom Hanks!! Do I look like Tom Hanks?

Tokyo was hot, damp and humid. Tried to stay awake by shopping my bollocks off. It was a minor success. Had some noodles - real ones - and went to bed. So far, so good. Had a great kip. Unbelievable. 10 hours! A personal best.

Man City was on the BBC World News for meeting that Nelson Mandela!!! MAN CITY!! No one gave a monkey's 'bout Man City 6 months ago, now we're on the news meeting world leaders! Now that is mental.

Still hot and humid, only now it's raining, and I mean raining. Monsoon gear. Biblical.

Missed the train to the gig. No panic. They literally run every 3 minutes. Got to that Fuji Rock just in time to see my old mate and soul brother #1, Paul Weller. Hadn't seen him play since May. He was well psychedelic. It pissed down all the way through his set. Good though.

Had to drive back to Tokyo after. 3 c**ting hours. Grim as fuck. Still raining. Hard, boiling hot rain.

Didn't get any kip that night. Not a single second. Flew to Seoul the next day. Feeling slightly mental. I thought I was losing my eyesight at one point. Totally fucked.

Can't remember much after that. Apart from 2 things. I seen an advert for a play called "Breakout". It was billed as an "Extreme dance comedy"!? EXTREME DANCE COMEDY? What on God's green earth is that gonna be like? And what's extreme about it? The dance or the comedy? Ludicrous dance comedy, more like. Not only that, I seen an Italian restaurant - in Seoul - called "Mad For Garlic"!! MAD FOR GARLIC?!!! And it was fuckin' packed.

The gig was immense. They really do know how to do that synchronised hand clapping shit in Korea. Spectacular. Jet - the band - were on before us. Hadn't seen them since that American tour in 2006, was it? They've been in the gym, let me tell you.

Flew home the next day (have I missed a day?). Had a 5 hour stop-over in Hong Kong. Caught up with the English newspapers. Mardy-bum John Terry's not coming to City. Halle-fuckin'-looya. Ate more crisps than even Irie Nancy could imagine. Bored shitless. Slept like a small elephant on the flight home. Arrived at a deserted Heathrow at 5.05 this morning.

Hope this made sense, if it didn't, fuck'all y'all. It's 3 o'clock next Thursday afternoon in my head.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:27| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


July 19-22, 2009

Hello. Seems like the problems we experienced at that Benicassim were, in the grand scheme of things, minor irritations. The next 2 days were cancelled. High winds caused chaos, by all accounts. There was a massive, massive fire on site. Weller only played half his set before he was pulled off (not like that, you filthy little twat!).

No such troubles up in the Alps here in Switzerland. The fezzies here run like clockwork. Bit nippy though. Didn't spoil the gig. It was really fuckin' good. Didn't see any other bands so nothing to report on that front.

Off to Germany today. Last festival of this little trip. Roundhouse on Tuesday. Then off to Japan/South Korea on Wednesday.

Kasabian are on the same stage as us today. Should be fun.

In a bit.


Fuck! Forgot about you. Where were we?

That festival in Germany was pretty fuckin' mad. It was in an old disused coal mine. All the old machinery had been preserved and turned into a mad gothic industrial landscape. I imagine it's what the inside of Marilyn Manson's head looks like.

Gig was great. Kasabian were..actually, I didn't even see them, I was doing interviews.

Back in London now. Playing The Roundhouse tonight. Then off to Japan in the morning.

I'm fucked. Hope I'm not getting that swine flu.

In a bit.


Well that gig at The Roundhouse was..erm..very odd. What'siz'name exploded with pretend rage the minute he walked on. Strange cat. Probably on his man period. Saying that, it was a full moon'n'all. Didn't notice him getting any more hairy though. Mind you, those that were there seemed to enjoy it, so..y'know, onwards and sideways.

Didn't stick around after the gig. Just couldn't be arsed. Too many squares for my liking.

Just on the way to Heathrow. Off to Japan / South Korea for a week. My phone doesn't work out there so there'll be a break in transmission. Will spill any relevant beans when I get back.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:15| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


July 14-17, 2009

Phew! Thank the good Lord that weekend's over. Been absolutely ruined by the Wembley smash up. Still feeling like a little lump of dog-shit and it's fuckin' Tuesday!!

Anyway, here's the story - what I can remember of it, at least!

Thursday night had a bit of a Thursday night feel to it, if you know what I mean? Incidentally, what a shit night Thursday night has become! No Top Of The Pops. No Coronation Street. Nothing. I bet nothing of any significance has ever happened on a Thursday - in the world of Rock'N'Roll, that is. I bet Altamont wasn't on a Thursday. I bet Shea Stadium wasn't on a Thursday. Knebworth wasn't on a Thursday. We should fuck Thursday off anyway. Cut it back to a 6 day week.

The gig was really good, for a Thursday. The best thing about it though was the magnificent green leather jacket Serge was wearing. Too good for a Thursday.

Friday was a bit of a lazy day. Went and done an interview with Johnny Ross. He's a naughty boy, Jonathan. He was determined to try and get me to have a pop at the Blur re-union. Not this time. Those days are long gone. Although it was fun at the time I'd like to think we've all grown up a little bit since then. He has, and it was funny though.

Saturday was altogether a different kettle of fish. What a night. One of THOSE nights. What an atmosphere! It pissed down but that only added to it. Easily one of the best nights ever. There was some moments, let me tell you. If you were in that crowd, and if I wore a hat I'd doff it in your general direction. I wouldn't go as far as Mr Bruno saying, "You're the best fans in the world". As Arsene Wenger once said, "Everybody thinks they have the most beautiful wife", or even more ludicrously (is that a word? ..it is now!!), "You're the best human beings in the world!"?? Nonsense! My kids are the best human beings in the world. Fact. BUT the version of "Don't Look Back In Anger" was very special indeed.

Which brings us to Sunday. Party time. Another very special night. Lots of friends in attendance. Great, great gig. Not as good as the piss up after though. 9'n'half hours we was in that dressing room. Drinking, dancing, smoking and talking shite. A colossal end to an epic weekend.

Am currently on a train in Devon heading to the Eden Project. Doing that gig we had to cancel last August!!

I must go as I need to strangle a child that's been crying all the way from London!

In a bit.


So! The Eden Project. A wonderful place. Particularly for the kids, one would've thought.

As for a rock'n'roll show? I'm not so sure. It was a re-scheduled show from last September (did I mention that?) when that idiot broke up my rib-cage. Somewhat predictably it fuckin' pissed down! SIDEWAYS!! It was raining on stage at one point. The audience were all in proper wet weather gear. Was like playing to the hippies at Greenham Common in the 80s.

All that being said, I really enjoyed it. Quite intimate. 6,000 wurzels. Think there was actually more people in the dressing room on Sunday night at Wembley. Good laugh. Didn't hang around after, still felt rough after the weekend.

Feel tip-top today though. Which is great 'cos we're in Valencia for that Benicassim festival. SCORCHIO!! Having a lazy day. Getting some sun. Basking in the glory of Man City's spending. Carlos Tevez joined us yesterday (or maybe the day before)!! What an exciting time for us. The Oasis tour finishes about 2 games into the new season. I fully plan to go to every game possible next season. Usually manage about 6 a season. Gonna have a lot of time on my hands in the near future so bring it on. WE ARE CITY.

In a bit.



Benicassim? What a fuckin' waste of time! If it wasn't for those bloody kids it would've been a disaster. I really can't say enough about the crowd. Unbelievable behaviour. Special mention to the topless birds - what a welcome sight that was!

The problem was...wait for it...yes! The fuckin' PA. It blew TWICE!! And the monitor system blew TWICE!! It's becoming a joke. And not a very funny one.

Those little lads from The View joined us backstage for warm beer. Now, I'm down with the Scotch. Irie Nancy's one. So is The Mighty I (effectively). No problem with them. But what that lot were going on about I'll never know. Had to get James from Glasvegas to translate. He was none the wiser.

Weller's up there tonight. Some of us are going to see him. It'll probably get pretty messy.

Off to Berne in the morning. That's in Switzerland.

I've got nothing else to say.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 22:12| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


July 7-8, 2009

Boom! Boom!! D'you know what that is? That's the sound of thunder - or so my little lad informed me over the weekend.

How's things? Fine and dandy? Good.

Am in Coventry today. Haven't been here since, ooh 2 months ago. Came to see The Specials, innit?

After a week of glorious weather while we were away it's pissing down. C***'s trick. The Ricoh Arena's mega though. Very tidy. Looking forward to tonight.

My mates "Free Peace" are opening up. Good boys. Top band.

The Enemy are the main band on before us tonight. Kasabian are busy being weird somewhere odd. It's a homer for them. Should be mad as fuck.

Wonder what Bruno will wear tonight? Mr al Fayed's shoes have made their long-awaited re-appearance! Life's been dull without them.

This Mike Jackson thing's dragging on a bit, innit? Who do they think he is, Jade Goody? Listen out for the dedication tonight. There's bound to be one. If it's during Live Forever I may do a little poo-poo..then vomit.

In a bit.

Well, that was much fun. Shit weather though. Still, no one seemed to mind.

Enemy were great. Hometown gig, and all that. They pulled it out of the hat, so to speak.

Bruno seemed determined, and I mean DETERMINED that no one, and I mean NO ONE was gonna enjoy themselves. Very strange. Y'can't keep the kids down though.

A couple of The Specials were in attendance. Lynval and Sir Horace, in fact. Lynval came and said hello. What a dude. And my mate Jamie Carragher. Good lad, Carragh'.

Anyway, look, I gotta go.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:29| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


July 2-4, 2009

Now then. Long time, etc.. certainly seems like it anyway. What's been going on then? I believe somebody's died?

Festival season is upon us. My favourite part of the tour. Living la vida loca. In-out-put the kettle on.

We are on the Eurostar. Heading for Brussels. Belgium. And the Hotel Amigo (the one with the identity crisis). Dunno what the festival's called or what it's about. I do know we're playing with some of the titans of British music. Google the bill, it's staggering in its shitness. Nevermind. Like I say, in-out-put the kettle on, etc.

Don't know if I've got anything else for you..no..no, that's it.

In a bit.


Well last night was brilliant. Great big, big crowd. 70-odd thousand. Fuck me, it was hot though.

Lily Allen was on our stage. I haven't seen her in a while. I've known Lil' since she was a kid. Her old fella used to bring her round to that Supernova Heights gaff of mine in the 90s. A good kid. Works hard, plays hard.

Am currently heading to Denmark where we will play the Roskilde Festival. Get on the bill (see if you can spot the odd one out):


Can you tell? Someone's having a shit night, eh?

In a bit.


So last night was fuckin' brilliant. One of the bestest. Don't ask why. It just was.

Roskilde's not as big as I remembered it. I had it in my head it was about 100,000 people. Seemed like maybe half that. Still..it was one of those rare gigs where straight from the very 1st note you just know it's gonna be good.

I've lost one of my bags - AGAIN!! It's becoming a theme of this tour. Lost bags, lost clothes, broken ribs. It's beginning to get on my tits.

Back in dat'dare London. Coventry on Tuesday then Wembley!! Cannot wait.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:15| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


June 11-21, 2009


Great night last night. Watched all 3 bands. The Makers. The Enemy and Kasabian. From out front. All brilliant. It may have been the best I've ever seen from Kasabian. Great crowd. Very young. Very male. Saying that, you're never quite sure up in the north-east, could've been lots of girls there. Everyone looks the same!! Unbelievable audience though. Kind of makes you wish you were 20 again and down the front with your mates.

Anyway, enough of that bollocks. Little spotty-arse Ronaldo is finally leaving England!! £80m. To Real Madrid (they could've bought Newcastle for that). Good riddance, I say.

Am currently en route to Cardiff. This one WILL get messy. The Peth are opening up. All 10 of 'em. Apparently Rhys has broken his leg - and he's still doing the gig!! He fuckin' loves it.

In a bit.


Good afternoon.

Last night was our 99th gig of this tour. NINETY-FUCKIN'-NINE!!

I have to say the people of Wales were right up there with the best. What a choir!!! You could hear them in the valleys.

Kasabian again were fuckin' outrageous. If they're not selling out stadiums within 2 years I'll eat Joanna Lumley's shit!!

Can't remember great swathes of the night. Ricky "The Hitman" and Rhys "The (S)hit(faced)man" were on board for the evening. Apart from some woeful dj'ing by Romeo the night was a good 'un, I think.

Off to the South of France tonight. Someone's booked a random gig for us in Lyon (is that in the South of France?). Weather's nice, apparently.

Tous-tous le monde 'n' all that.


Hello? Is there anybody out there? Been having technical problems with the lines of communication of late. Sorry for the break in transmission. Normal service is now resumed - and no, you're not getting your money back!! While I'm on that subject, it seems that around 20,000 of you have asked for a refund from that night at Heaton Park!! 20,000!! So you were genuinely disappointed? I don't recall seeing a 20,000 gap in the crowd. Cheeky cunts! Tsk ..some people.

Anyway, no such problems in Scotland. Gig at Murrayfield was great. Great crowd, as always. The Enemy and Kasabian were on top form. Didn't see The Reverend.

Apart from - yet again! - some poor DJ'ing from Romeo the party in the dressing room was a good-un. Didn't leave 'til the sun came up. Respect to Kasabian. They were still there when I left and they had a gig in Glasgow last night! Fuck that. They must've been rough as arseholes.

Off to Dublin today where, for one night only, we will welcome The Prodigy to the tour. Slane Castle tomorrow. Silvermints, Tayto crisps and brunches! YUMMY.

In a bit.


Urgh..what a hangover! Horrific. Great, great night though. As spectacles go (and I don't mean the ones you wear) Slane Castle takes some beating.

I don't think I've seen The Prodigy since Knebworth but fuck me, they had it yesterday. Incredible behaviour. You gotta be good to follow Kasabian. They are.

Don't remember leaving the gig! I feel poisoned. Not looking forward to the flight home AND me and Irie Nancy have got to go to a friend's 40th tomorrow. More boozing. Shit!!

Got 10 days off though so mustn't grumble.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:30| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

June 4-9, 2009

Now then. The summer of bigness is upon us. We are in the righteous North-West. In God's own city. Manchester.

Soundcheck went well yesterday, I think. Hard to tell when you're playing in an empty park. Looks good though.

Went round to Umbro last night to see Man City's new kits for next season. Tell you what, even if we don't win anything next season we'll be the best looking team in the league. No question. They are the bollocks. Got a free tracksuit top and all!

The Enemy have pulled out of tonight's show. Tom's got food poisoning. Shame. Was looking forward to seeing them for the 1st time. Nevermind. Big-John-the-Reverend and his Makers are doing the honours and stepping in.

While I'm on the subject of The Enemy. There's been an attempt by the NME to try and start some juvenille, pathetic feud between the bands in the run up to these gigs. Can I assure everyone that there is not and never will be anything between the working classes and its heroes.

If I personally see any weasel from the NME at these gigs (which is highly unlikely) they'll be getting escorted off site. In fact, you could do me a favour here. If you see an NME journalist at any of the gigs (and let's face it, they're pretty easy to spot; they don't stray far from hospitality, wear God-awful clothes - particularly the shoes - got dreadful hair and that kind of "mug me"
look about them), give 'em a clip round the ear-hole from me and tell 'em to behave.



Well, Well, Well. Where do we start?

What should’ve been the start of something monumental turned into a fuckin’ shambles. No sound. Half the lights. No inspiration. Fuckin’ rubbish. Somebody lost a LOT of money last night ? probably me.

I think I’m still a bit furious. I would apologise but it was nothing to do with me ? you can’t get the staff, etc.

I guess if you’re cheeky enough to ask for a refund you’ll get one.

In a bit.


Phew!! Have been having so much fun I've forgotten to stay in touch.

Been up in Mcr for 6 days. What a joy it's been. Them gigs were amazing.

You will be aware of the problems on the opening night. The PA blew up twice and we hadn't been onstage for 10 mins! Not the best start. But the crowd were pretty cool about it.

In hindsight we may have overreacted by offering refunds etc. If any of you who were there feel genuinely aggrieved and it spoiled your night I guess you'll somehow get your money back.

The weather, being very Mancunian, didn't get in the way of the other 2 nights being fantastic. Saturday was truly, truly special. It was a pleasure just to be there!

I feel though that I must just give one final little bit of "kudos" (her word, not mine) to Angela Bernstein - a ginger whinger from the MEN who has written a couple of shitty little pieces over the last few days. In them she claimed that we - and by that I mean YOU - had no "right" to "come up here" from London, Liverpool, Birmingham, Leeds, Glasgow, Tokyo, LA, Milan, all over the world in fact, to "her" wonderful piece of England and enjoy ourselves and leave a little bit of mud. What a joyless old husk!! Pity Mr Bernstein - I'm assuming there is one - and her beloved little dog, that's what I say! The fact that people - young people (remember them grandma? You were probably one once) - from ALL OVER THE WORLD came to Mcr for the weekend, some for the first time, might actually not be all that bad a thing? Think of that the next time you're bent over in "your" park wiping your little dog's business. We probably paid for the bins you'll be dropping his poo-poo in.

To the rest of you. The 210,000 people who came to see us. The general consensus is that you were a credit to us - and by that I mean the band - and ultimately to yourselves.


Am currently on the way to Newcastle to see Kasabian do a sneaky little gig tonight before we smash it in Sunderland tomorrow.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:29| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

May 12-13, 2009

What a mad day! I just woke up at 11:45. A.M.! That in itself is mental. I haven't slept that long since 1998 - Paris, I think it was.

It's FUCKIN' PISSING DOWN WITH RAIN and it's pitch black - maybe not black, but very, very grey.

Curitiba was great. The gig was anyway. Dunno what we're trying to prove by playing places like that, and here in Porto Alegre for that matter. Why not just do 2 big, fuck off gigs in Rio and Sao Paolo?? If everyone in Argentina is willing to travel to Buenos Aires to be part of one of the greatest nights of all time (I'm not kidding, you should've been there!) Then I don't see what the difference is in Brazil. It's the kids who lose out, if you ask me. Someone throwing up a make-shift stage in some car park can never compare with the noise and colour of a stadium. Still, the gigs themselves are great. Could be better though. Anyway, 'nuff of that.

What's happening with you?

As I said, am currently in Porto Alegre. Waiting to soundcheck. In the rain.

Looking forward to going home tomorrow.

In a bit.


Ahem. I take back all I said yesterday. About bring the mountain to Mohammed (are we still allowed to say that? I recall an incident with a teddy bear recently), so to speak. Last night's gig was incredible. I say gig, I'm not sure I heard any of it, but the night was amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

Even The Shroud had a banner in the crowd. It was a cardboard cut-out of his hairy little head. Underneath was the legend, "JESUS". Simple. Beautiful.

Had to scarper after the gig. Would have loved to have stayed and re-lived the 90s but the writing bug has gripped me. Nearly wrote 5 new songs on this leg alone! Gotta get them down while it's still happening.

Just waiting for breakfast. Phone Irie Nancy and that's me done. All packed and ready to leave.

I speak directly to you people of South America. You have been truly amazing. It's been a privilege to play for you. The memories of this little tour will live with me for a long time. Mucho gracias and obrigado.

Hasta luego.

posted by おっさn at 06:27| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


May 6-10, 2009

Great show last night. They just keep getting better and better.

Very little else to report. Some kids had made up "Noel Or Die" badges. The Japanese kids will be thrilled at that.

I'm at Santiago Airoporto. Just waiting on a flight to Rio. Gonna be hot, hot, hot. And the hotel's right on the Copacabana beach. Not that I'll get to see much of it. The kids there are fuckin' crazy. I'll be confined to barracks. Never mind. Got my trusty axe. I've been doing a bit of writing for the 1st time in ages - did I mention that already? Maybe?

Very disappointing to to see Man Utd get to the Champ's League final - AGAIN! They were fuckin' good though. Swatted the Arsenal like little French Flies. Hope Barca murder Chelsea tonight.

Anyway, fuck all that AND fuck all this. I'm bored. Seen some classic Ray-Bans in the shops. And I want them so I'm going to get them.

In a bit.


Iz'rite. Only just stopped pissing myself at Chelsea getting knocked out of the Champ's League last night. Is there a greater sight in world football than a pissed off Didier Drogba? Hmm ...a sniveling John Terry, maybe? Whatever, vamos Barca.

We're in Brazil! Rio De Janeiro. Or as the natives say "Redge-An-Airo". Should be a good gig tonight. Always is here.

The story of the day is that the Sheik, his highness, the guy that ACTUALLY OWNS Man City is coming to the gig!! THE FUCKIN' BULLDOZER!! Bet he doesn't. He'll probably send someone to see us for him! I'll keep you posted.

In a bit.


These gigs just keep getting better and better. I didn't think we could top Peru, Argentina and Chile but fuck me, last night was easily up there with the best nights EVER! Amazing crowd. I suppose one should expect nothing less from Brazilians, but still - "well done".

And if that wasn't enough, I spent the day by a virtually deserted pool right on the beach. Hungover. Just me. And some beautiful people playing volleyball in the pool.

The atmosphere was spoiled somewhat by "Man, I Feel LIke A Women" by that Shania Twain playing somewhere in the distance. 3 TIMES!!

Still, it's days like these that I'm glad I persevered with that bloody guitar when I was a young boy.

Sao Paulo tomorrow. Home of Robinho and Elano. WE ARE CITY etc..

In a bit.


PS. By the way, The Bulldozer didn't show up.

So. Last night was eventful. The gig was outdoors and it fuckin' pissed down. PISSED DOWN! Monsoon style. Thunder and lightning. You wouldn't get away with that anywhere else in the world. These Brazilians don't give a fuck though. Amazing night. As it always is in Sao Paulo. I was particularly good (well!? I was!!).

We are currently in Curitiba. CURITIBA!! That's NOT a country, Mr Tabloid Writer. It's a city in Brazil.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:26| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


May 1-5, 2009

It's been a couple of days, right? Had a bit of a panic. Lost my phone. AGAIN. That's the 4th time this tour. It's leading a charmed life, let me tell you. I must thank the air hostess who found it.

Anyway, got myself a pig flu mask and I must say, I quite like it. Makes one feel like a James Bond baddy. And look like an evil genius. No wonder Mike Jackson wears 'em all the time. Wonder if we should get Oasis ones knocked up for the merchandise store?

Am currently nursing a bad head in Lima. Peru. Never know what to expect from gaffs like this. Not many people come here, see? No one that I know anyway. We played the national football stadium last night. 48,000 sell-out!! Outrageous. Amazing gig. Proper jumpin'.

Strange weather today. It's about 80* and foggy!? Hot-fog! Mad as custard. Hang on a minute..hot-fog? That sounds like a name for an early 70s prog band. And if isn't then it should be. In fact, I hereby copyright the name HOT-FOG for future use - y'know, if I ever start a dance troupe, or summat. HOT-FOG! It's fuckin' genius and you heard it here first.

In a bit.


'Eye-oop. We speak at bad times for the Oasis tour. Bad times. We are a rudderless ship at the minute. And there's a fuckin' shit-storm on the horizon. I guess all will be revealed in due course. Strange atmosphere. I wouldn't mind but we're in South America! Playing massive stadiums and there's a bit too much hrmph-ing going on for my liking. Shame really.

Just back from the soundcheck at the River Plate Stadium. Sounded really good. Looking forward to it.

By the way, before I forget, that new song that appeared on your internet is called "If I Had A Gun..". It's not quite finished yet but it was quite nice to hear that someone had taped it. Been doing a few new ones lately. They sound quite epic.

Stayed up late to watch Ricky Hatton's fight last night. A fuckin' disaster. knocked out in 2 rounds. Crushed. I guess the cheque will soften the blow, but still..fuck!! Never mind, we can all help him drown his sorrows at Heaton Park.

In a bit.


Well, what a night!! People of Argentina, I salute you. One of the best nights of all time. Amazing.

There's not a great deal to say after that.

I'm leaving for Chile. Santiago, in fact.

Adios muchachos ('n'all that).


Yess Mods and Rockers. Arrived in Santiago last night. A beautiful morning.

What follows is an actual interview that actually took place. On the phone. Yesterday. Actually.

Journalist: Hello, Noel?
NG: Hello.
Jnlst: Shall we begin?
NG: Vamos!
Jnlst: Ok. Last time you were seen in Santiago with a sex turkey, what happened?
NG: ?? 'Scuse me?
Jnlst: My pardon. What happened with a sex turkey?
NG: I'm sorry, but did you say "a sex turkey"?
Jnlst: Yes. What happened with him?

HIM?? Jesus! Now, I'll freely admit - if pushed - that I've got up to some dubious gear in the past but this guy can't really think I've had full homosexual sex with a man-turkey? Can he?

We continue...

NG: Ok. We seem to have crossed wires here. Shall we just go back to the beginning and start again? Slowly? Yes?
Jnlst: As you wish.
NG: Ok. Fire at will.
Jnlst: Sorry?
NG: Never mind, just get on with it!
Jnlst: Ok. Can you explain what it was like in Santiago with a sex turkey and how it compares with Chris Sharrock?

Now, I'm thinking, this is either a live radio comedy stunt thing or someone put acid in my tea.. unless...

NG: When you say a sex turkey, do you mean ZAK STARKEY?
Jnlst: Of course.


NG: Aah, Zak Starkey? You mean Zak Starkey?
Jnlst: Of course. What did you think I meant?
NG: Ha! Fuck, Zak Starkey! I thought you meant that I'd had..oh, never mind. I think we have to wrap this up.
Jnlst: But you never answer my question!!
NG: They're both the same. I need to lie down. Goodbye.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 05:59| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

April 27-29, 2009

Yes, brothers and sisters. I trust things are well and all is good? Good.

Now.. that wasn't nearly enough time off for me. Didn't even really have a chance to get on Irie Nancy's tits! Caught up with Coronation St. though and I'm all up to speed with the football AND managed not to see a single second of that Britain's (not) Got (any) Talent. It's not allowed in our house. Weather was nice'n'all, eh? Was in London anyway.

Now, a frightening thing happened to me last week. I went into the HMV in Selfridges - I could spend 2 hours in there just looking at records - only to be told by one of the staff that they don't sell CDs anymore!! A fuckin' outrage.

"It's the future", said the kid.
"Fuck the future", said I.


So what happens now then? Do I actually have to buy a bastard computer to buy music? Where is it all gonna end? In all seriousness though, it's very sad. I may have to move to Japan!

Q Magazine? Have you seen the pictures? Have they got it in for me, or summat? I mean, admittedly, I did say to the person responsible for such things on the day that I demanded to be air-brushed to within an inch of my life, a bit like the Lily Allen / Green Day covers etc. What I don't remember is asking to look like something from a Tenacious D. video!! I don't have grey/blue skin!!! Not anymore anyway.

Today I am mostly in Miami. Just stopping off on the way to Venezuela. Crack'arse, to be exact. Only away for 2 and a bit weeks and this bit of the tour is usually good fun. But I'm actually not looking forward to it. Weird, eh? Mind you, we are rehearsing different songs for the set-list at the UK gigs. I won't tell you which ones in case they don't work out. Should be at least 2-3 though. Hopefully 4-5. But probably only 1! Such is the level of commitment to these kind of things in certain quarters. We shall see.

In a bit.


It's all got a bit mad over here. This swine flu malarky is freaking people out. Landed at Crack'arse airport yesterday. All the ground staff are wearing those little white face masks! ALL OF THEM. It was like something out of another Stephen King novel. I suddenly feel quite naked without one.

Then if that wasn't bad enough my mam called me at that very moment and tells me to be "careful" or I WILL die of pig flu. I swear at that point I did a massive sneeze and the entire airport fell silent and started to stare!! I WANT A MASK!!!

Crack'arse, it must be said, is not the most glamourous of destinations, despite what we were led to believe as kids from that film "Gregory's Girl".

I currently have an armed guard outside my room! What does that say? Am I vulnerable to a robbery from room service? Anyway, could be worse, at least the sun's out and I have a balcony and it's 86*. Mind you, what about snipers (as Bobby Gillespie once said to me as we were getting pissed in my back garden)??

In a bit.


Baba-do-baah!..POW! That gig was pretty good. Considering we ain't played for 2 weeks it was really good.

Crowd was a bit weird. Very calm. Underwhelmed even. I'm assured that's good though.

What to tell...? Nothing really. Flying to Peru today. I've never been. Have you? What's it like? Are there Irish bars? Surely there must be?

Rest of the boys are leaving early. I'm staying here for the day. Got special permission to watch the Man-U-V-The-Arsenal. Can't wait.

Ain't got that pig flu yet, by the way. Give it time though.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 05:57| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


April 13-14, 2009

'Eye oop. Made it to Cape Town. What a place! Far less shady than Jo'burg. Beautiful weather.

Real old-school hotel. Table Mountain is virtually outside my bedroom window. It's right THERE!! Amazing.

Great to see everyone from Team NG. Irie Nancy, The Mighty I and Ganga Wailer all present and correct and in good spirits.

Had a trip to Boulder Beach yesterday to see some penguins. Funny little fellas. Not my bag, you understand. It's all about the kids, see?

City lost again yesterday. Utter shite. I feel for the manager. Think he'll go in the summer. Hope not. But I think he will.

Not much else to report. I'm off to get some rays before tonight's gig. It's the last one before a 2 week break. Thank god.

In a bit.


That's that then. For 2 weeks anyway. Gig was pretty good. Think I was a little tipsy. Probably why I enjoyed it so much.

Spending the next couple of days here with Team NG.

Next time we speak I'll be on my way to South America where we will play at the River Plate Stadium!

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 08:56| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


April 7-11, 2009

Arrived in Hong Kong last night. Amazing place. You get access to the UK media here. It's really bad, man. In one sitting watching Sky News the doom and gloom is outrageous. Recession, recession, stabbings, corruption, murder, desolation, despair. What's happening? They actually have a debt counter on screen constantly monitoring "The Debt". Who's debt? Yours? Mine? You know it's bad when the fifth horseman of the apocalypse - Kay Burley - is interviewing pensioners on the deserted streets of Britain. Not all bad news though. Production of war materials is up. And paradoxically sales of chocolate are up!!! WAR AND CHOCOLATE?! It would seem our government have an iron fist and our people have a sweet tooth. I don't know what that means but it must mean something?

Have you seen the new Q Magazine? I assume it's the new one. The one with the "WORLD EXCLUSIVE" Green Day piece? Under the picture of the Green Day is a quote that says, "We are fire, chaos and revolution". Really? Which one's which then? I thought at least one of 'em was called Billy-Bob?!

In a bit.


So that's that for South-East Asia. Glad it's over, to be honest. As much as I love the food, the people, etc.. there's only so many times one can eat noodles.

That last gig in Hong Kong was rubbish. A good night, but a shit gig.

Managed at last to finally see a bit of Hong Kong itself yesterday. It's got the same kind of atmosphere as NYC. Busy. Cosmopolitan. Multi-culti. Whatever. I liked it a lot. Horrendous traffic though.

Just landed in Johannesburg after a 14 hour flight. I saw a copy of The News Of The World on the stands in Hong Kong airport. Has someone died since we've been away? The headline said "Goodbye Princess" against a picture from a funeral cortege. Please don't tell me Tina from Coronation St. is dead?! I couldn't cope.

Managed to sleep most of the way!! Unbelievable. Woke to see the sunrise over Africa. Just amazing.

This is my first time on the dark continent. Actually, I tell a lie.. it's my third!! Went to Egypt once to see the great pyramids. Fuckin' colossal. And to Marrakech. Where I ended up at a party in a castle, blind drunk with Richard Branson's dad!! That's actually true. He was that pissed he asked me how many wives I had!

"One", I replied. "And she's not gonna be around much longer".

Think he thought I was one of the natives. Top geezer though.

Currently on the way into downtown Johannesburg. In a car with 3 security guards! THREE!! And two of those are armed to the teeth. Shit, man!! Must be a heavy place, eh?

In a bit.


Phew! What a couple of days. Sunshine! At last. Been sat on the balcony in my room doing fuck all. Listening to tunes. Drinking tea. Smoking. If that's not heaven, then I don't know what is.

Done a press conference yesterday. Loved it. Good fun.

"Will you be singing 'Champagne Supernova' at the Coke-Fest?" Sez a journalist.

"'Champagne Supernova'? Coke-Fest? Reminds me of a party I once had!" Sez I.

"Boom-boom", went the crowd (to themselves).

Did I mention the reason we're here is 'coz we're doing a festival? Two, in fact. One here and one in Cape Town, day after tomorrow.

Anyway, gotta go.

In a bit.


Well that was a bit weird. The Coke-Fest. Not sure what to make of it. Strange crowd. It seemed to be made up of every conceivable type of person imaginable. Very quiet. Some of them unfurled a huge banner that said, "NOEL'S PISS IS THE CURE FOR CANCER"!!??

We were on after Snow Patrol. Gotta say, I was staggered at the amount of gear they have onstage. And it all seemed to be working! We must've sounded like Buddy Holly's backing band by comparison.

Leaving for Cape Town in a bit. Meeting up with the rest of Team Gallagher. They're on board for the rest of this bit of tour. Can't wait.

In a bit.


PS. That thing about my piss has NOT been proven.
posted by おっさn at 22:31| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


April 2-6, 2009

Soz for the break in transmission. My phone don't work in Korea. Now..where were we?

The Japanese leg finished up with a bang. Great show. Was still feeling wiped out. Don't really think they seen us at our best this time. Does that make any sense? It does to me.

Talking of not making sense, tell me what you make of this. Y'know how them Japanese have a unique take on things? Well I was strutting 'round Shibuya (in Tokyo) the other day and I spotted something that made me laugh. Found myself on a street full of themed bars. Get on these.

An Irish bar (naturally).
An English bar.
A BRITISH bar (can't leave the Scots and the Welsh out - sweet really).
A Victorian bar?!

And this is the killer - a lads bar!? The sign in the window (in very laddish pink neon) read: LADS BAR (FOR CASUAL DRINKING). I had to have a look in. Y'never know, Mr al-Fayed's shoes might've been at the bar. There was a few boys in there with fresh NME/Shockwaves hairdooz. Looking about as casual as Franz Ferdinand putting on eyeliner!

Remember "The Sign"? Well the kids had them in Korea. Except these ones said "Noel Or Death"!! There was one at the airport today. In Taipei!! Madness.

That gig in Seoul was truly amazing. The stand-out gig of the whole tour so far. Who'd have thought it? Not me, that's for sure. God bless them South Korean kids.

Gotta go. It's taken me nearly 2 hours to write this. Bit too much to drink last night, etc.

In a bit.


So that was a bit mad. 18,000 people. Upstairs. On the 2nd floor of a huge exhibition centre. You could feel the building shake during "Rock 'N' Roll Star". Scary fun.

Taipei's mad as fuck. Never seen so many scooters in all my life. Suddenly feel very far from home. They worship snakes and electronic goods??? Bit like myself (apart from the snakes).

The Shoes and Tall Scratch have been having a philosophical discussion about the book of Tao! (That's not a joke, by the way!!) Highly amusing.

Am currently at the airport boarding a flight to Singapore. I liked it there last time. Hope it hasn't changed.

City play Arsenal tonight. Planning a night out to watch it.

Gotta go.

In a bit.


Hrmph. So City lost (again!). No surprise there. We were woeful though. What's happened to Robinho?

It properly pissed down here yesterday. Yer'actual tropical thunder storm. Beautiful.

Gig was splendid. Hot and sticky. It was 86 degrees at 11 o'clock at night. Nice. Does kind of mean that there tends to be a lot of flip-flops around!

Lot of British people out here which I'm always suspicious of. Don't know why. What are they doing here? Buying cheap handbags for fat birds back home? Dunno.

Talking of back home - what's going on, anything exciting? Haven't seen a paper for weeks. No bad thing. Is it true that Madonna is trying to buy Shaun-Wright Phillips from Man City? Say it ain't so!

I'm on the way to Hong Kong.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:27| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


March 23-28, 2009(日本滞在中)

Been in Sapporo for the last couple of days (did I mention that?). It's snowing. SNOWING! Thought we'd left the winter behind in Europe. Apparently not. Seems like we're being haunted by the cold on this tour.

Gig was good. Uneventful, but good. I say gig, they're more like concert performances over here. You can hear a pin drop between songs.

Played that song "Whatever" for the first time in.. what.. 12 years? Bizarrely enough it's our most famous song in Japan. The kids are always mithering for it. Dunno why I decided to play it last night. Guess it means I'll have to play it every night now.

Went out to watch the Liverpool-Aston Villa match after the concert last night. At an IRISH BAR!! They're everywhere. I bet there's one in Kabul. Liverpool won 5-0, as I remember. Every time they scored, the DJ in the bar played "You'll Never Walk Alone" by Gerry and the bloody Pacemakers. 5 times he played it!! 5 TIMES!! Good times though.

We're flying to Osaka today. Now, in fact.

Before I get off, tell me what you think of this.. There's been a fan following me around since I got here carrying a sign that says, in fluorescent lettering, NOEL OR DIE! Now given the fact that the Japanese have a certain way with the English, I'm still not quite sure what it means. NOEL OR DIE!??

In a bit.


PS. As I'm sending this I'm watching some "human beat-box battle" on Japanese telly. Human beat-box? Human cunt-box, more like.

That girl was waiting for me at the airport. With the sign. "NOEL OR DIE". What does it mean!? I did try and ask her, sadly all she was interested in was a bloody picture. I then used the tried and tested English method for international communication; I asked her really ..slowly.

"WHAT ...DOES ...IT ...MEAN?"

She looked at me like The Mighty I looks at me when I'm asking him something.


She replied very slowly with two simple words.

"SIGN? ...YES"

That's got to the bottom of that then, eh? I'm glad I AM Noel though. Wouldn't want to die, or anything.

We're in Osaka for the next 3 days. What can I tell you about Osaka? Nothing. I bought a guitar here once.

With that in mind, I think I'll order breakfast and get out and about.

In a bit.


This is probably gonna be a load of rambling nonsense. It's 5am. I've been awake since 3.30am, I only went to bed at midnight!! Feel like that dude in that song by Faithless. I can't get no sleep. It's killing me, man.

Not a great deal going on either. The gigs in Osaka were quite run-of-the-mill. Unenjoyably-run-of-the-mill.

"The Sign" (I shall now refer to it from now on as "The Sign") was there. Down the front. Bright as a button. NOEL OR DIE.

Went to Tower Records yesterday. They still have amazing record shops out here. It was quite early so it was virtually empty. I'm in there 2 mins and on comes 'Stop The Clocks - The Best of Oasis' really fuckin' loud over the in-store PA.

"Ah..just what I wanted to hear".

I'm trying to ignore it and one of the little-uns comes up and asks for "my sign, please!", while pointing to the ceiling, very pleased with himself. "Thanks for that".

Bought 5 albums. All shit. I won't name names. I was just taking a punt, so to speak.

I'm fuckin' starving. I'm gonna order breakfast... Done, be here in 30 mins.

Bought a guitar yesterday. A Gibson SG. It's a new one. A re-issue of the George model. Not the ACTUAL model, but near enough. Looks good. Plays good.

Talking of guitars, I'm getting a bit concerned about my main one. The big red one. It's suddenly started to sound a bit old and tired. And it will NOT stay in tune. It is nearly 50 years old though. Might have to stop using it for a while. Bit worried, to be honest. I'm quite literally fucked without it.

We're traveling back to Tokyo today (but we've just come from there, surely?). 4 more nights there and that'll be it. Mind you, always a pleasure on that bullet train.

Incidentally, I was watching summat on BBC World the other day about them bullet trains and apparently since they went into service in the 60s, the average delay time..in almost 50 years..is 6 seconds. SIX SECONDS over 50 years!!?? And they've only had one derailment and that was during an earthquake!! Staggering, eh? No? Well, it is at 5am!!

Breakfast will be here in 11 seconds. Gotta go.

In a bit.


Now then. Have actually managed to get some much needed kip. 17 hours over 2 nights! It wasn't un-aided, nor un-interupted. 17 hours it was, nonetheless. I feel like my old self. Or a new man. Whatever.

Done some crazy TV show last night called...I can't remember! Big deal though, apparently. Went on for 3 hours! Watching the camera work by the cameramen (and women, y'know, whatever) was amazing. They had it all choreographed like a dance routine. Really brilliant.

Didn't see "The Sign" yesterday. Mr al-Fayed's shoes were hanging around though. They truly are incredible.

Not much else to tell really. No..that's it, I'm afraid. If anything exciting happens, I'll be in touch.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 21:24| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


March 18-20, 2009 (日本滞在中)

Now then. How is everybody? Not that I give a shit, just being polite.

We're in Japan. I've got quite a soft spot for this mob. Who hasn't? Lovely little fellas, they are.

Got thrown out of a taxi this morning. At least I think I did. Hard to tell over here. There was shouting and pointing and then the international hand signal for "Get the fuck out of my cab, you western dog!"

Jet lag will put a downer on the gig tonight. I already can't be arsed. Nevermind. They've got Yorkshire tea bags on the rider which, let's face it, is all that matters to a 40 year old Northerner.

In a bit.


Well, that gig was rubbish. Ring rust maybe (not that there's any rust round my ring, you understand!). Dunno. That's 3 shit gigs in a row for me now - if we're counting the Radio 1 / BBC stuff last week, which I am. This is worrying. No one else seems to be that concerned though, maybe it's just me, eh?

Not much happening after the gig. Everyone's a bit sleepy. Which is a joke 'cos you simply cannot sleep in this country. It's mental. No wonder they're always inventing gadgets. No-one ever sleeps. They've got to do SOMETHING.

Am currently on a bullet train speeding like shit off a stick into the future! Tokyo, to be exact. I love Tokyo. Great kids. Mad as custard.

Anyway..enough. I'm off.

In a bit.


Arright'dare, la'.

That bullet train malarky was most enjoyable. The sight of Mount Fuji was, and indeed is, always amazing. Majestic, in fact. A bit like that new Kasabian album. But then I am biased.

Had a mooch round Shinjuku yesterday. What a day'n'all. The sun had his hat on, let me tell you.

Jet lag's a killer, man. Was well spaced out all day.

Bought a colossal jacket. For real. Can't work out how much it was though. I'm shit at maths. It was from Stone Island so I'd be amazed if it wasn't about 5 grand!!

I see City went through to the last 8 of the UEFA cup. With a whimper. Typical. At least we got there though. Shay Given, I will kiss you on the face if we win it - which is a ludicrous thought. Still..best start thinking of what to do if we actually get in the final.

Just done a round of interviews in which I was asked to explain what I thought has gone wrong with the global economy!! Apart from the fact that the global conspiracy theorists have seemingly been right all along, we managed to trace back the actual moment the storms clouds started to gather to when Franz Ferdinand won the Mercury Muzak Prize. THINK ABOUT IT.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 20:49| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


March 1-4, 2009

That TV show was massive. 2,000 people in the audience! TWO THOUSAND!! That's mental. We were on with Grazia superstar Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Duffy and the world's favourite German, Boris Becker!! Not sure how it all went, it was all in German, see? Apparently Rachel lost a bet and had to eat a doggy biscuit! There was also a kid on there who could tell the difference between certain kinds of football boots by licking them!? Ant and Dec, eat your little Geordie hearts out. Who said entertainment is dead? It's alive and well and living in Germany. Rachel legged it before we could get a good look at her. Owen Wilson had a beer and a chat though. Nice lad. He actually talks like that talk he's got in real life.

But for me, the highlight of the day was the return of Mr al-Fayed's shoes! BANG! They just appeared out of nowhere, attacking the senses, blinding my eyes. I thought they'd gone home in disgrace - not a fuckin' chance. And they're following us to the airport as we speak. We're on the way to Zurich.

Switzerland? The oddest of all nations? Think about it.

In a bit.


Thank fuck that's over. Looking forward to a little time off. I was actually starting to do my own head in!

Apologies 'bout the gig last night in Paris. An utter shambles. We had to stop the gig TWICE!! Technical problems, see? Couldn't be helped, I'm afraid. Sad that we only seen the 'Vegas for a few days. Nice bunch though. Good music. Soul power, see?

Am currently on that Euro-Star with Irie Nancy. Slightly disheveled (me, not her. She, of course looks tip-top).

Now, before I get grossly misquoted about this (which is inevitable as I'm being interviewed by Q Magazine next week) - China! Fuck me, them communists have got long memories, eh? I can't even remember doing the offending gig 12 years ago? Come on, let it go.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:21| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


February 23-28, 2009

Spent the day in bed yesterday nursing a bad head. For some reason I watched MTV’s European Top 10. Fuck me, it was painful. Leona Lewis doing Snow Patrol? Ouch! Kings Of Leon doing U2? Ouch! The Killers doing fancy dress? Ouch! Lady Gaga? (I may be showing my age here but who’s Lady Gaga?). It made my teeth hurt! MY TEETH!!

That interview with The Sunday Times fella was great. He was good fun. Not often you can say that about a journalist.

Still in Venice. Leaving shortly. I genuinely have no idea where I’m going. Are we staying in Italy? I hope so. These kids make for amazing gigs.

Wonder how “the shoes” are getting on? I’ll find out soon enough.

In a bit.


So. Where have we been then? Been to Bolzano, which is in Italy, but it used to be part of Austria and everyone speaks German!! Wonder if that causes problems during the World Cup?

Been doing a lot of Asian interviews of late. On the phone. I hate speaking on the phone, never mind being interviewed on the bloody thing. Saying that, I did impress a lady from Hong Kong with my knowledge of the 60s Hong Kong music scene - there actually was one! Teddy Robin And The Playboys - a tune called "Magic Colours" - amazing! I plan to cover it one day and turn it into a smash hit.

A Chinese journalist asked me did I have a message for "Chinese fan" ahead of our up-coming Chinese tour?

"Erm..not really"
"Nothing? Nothing you want to say?"
"Just tell 'em to watch out - Oasis are coming"
"Ok", she says. "I tell Chinese fan to wash it out!"

Left Italy behind last night in Florence. Before the show I overheard a frankly bizarre conversation between Tall Scratch and The Shroud, which went as follows:

T.S. - "I'm thinking of 'going commando' for the gig tonight."
Sh. - "Really? Why?"
T.S. - "Just to see what it feels like."
Me - (?!?!?!?!?)

Now, I'm all for a bit of bohemia, etc., but doing a gig with no underpants on?! Come on!? Is that what it's come to? That kinda shit leads to "other things" and it's a bit Carl Barat, to say the least..(more of that later).

For those of you who listened to the gig on the radio, I apologise. Think it sounded like a bit of a mess. Shame to end the Italian bit with a whimper. Still, them Italian kids fuckin' rule. See you at Wembley, if you're coming. FORZA ITALIA!!

It's the NME awards today. We got the award for the best band. Thanks very much if you voted for that. Best dressed man is the one I really wanted though. If only to annoy Romeo.

Today I am mostly in Vienna, Austria. Night off tonight. Gonna go to an Irish bar with the crew and hopefully watch Liverpool get put in their place by Real Madrid.

Now, it turns out the Scratch wasn't talking about his undies, he was talking about his.... EAR PLUGS!! He wears ear plugs and he was taking THEM out for the gig! Phewee! For a minute there I thought..well, actually, now I think about it, I don't know what's worse; the thought of someone doing the gig sans underwear or the fact that there are actually EAR PLUGS being worn onstage!

In a-fukin'-bit.


Well, well, well - so these little text messages have now become "award-winning", eh? Oh, the irony! Irie Nancy finds the whole thing rather amusing, considering that I've yet to go within 10 feet of a computer let alone own one of the blasted things.

The Best Dressed Award was not to be and I guess Mr. Obama was arguably more deserving of Hero status. But all in all, a tidy little haul, I think.

Thanks again if you voted.

In a bit.


Can you believe we're back in Dusseldorf! 3 times I've been here in the last month. We're doing some TV show. No idea what the guy's called but apparently he's considered to be the German David Letterman (if such a thing could possibly exist)!

We've said goodbye to Free Peace. Which is a shame. They were brilliant. Good lads. On the other hand, we've said hello to Glasvegas. Which is great. It'll give us a chance to see what they're all about.

Getting fucked off with this leg of the tour now. Need a week off. Get a hair cut. Eat something vaguely healthy. Stay sober for more than 24 hours in a row. Only 2 more gigs left. Zurich and Paris.

On a brighter note, the Mighty-I is up and running! Life will never be the same again.

In a bit.

posted by おっさn at 06:47| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


February 18-21, 2009

Sorry droogs. Forgot about you lot!

Now then - what's been happening?

Well, we went to Lisbon. I thought it wouldn't get any better than Barcelona and Madrid - how wrong I was. I think it was my favourite night of the whole tour so far. It may well have been the best gig too. Them kids sang it LOUD, man.

Gave our disc-jockey a lesson in heavy psychedelic rock music in the dressing room afterwards. I really should try my hand at that dj'ing malarky. I'd be fuckin' brilliant.

Left the people of Lisbon with a message of love for Jose Mourinho. We really do need him back in England. Preferably at Man City.

We were in Toulouse last night (that's in France, if anyone's reading this from The Daily Star). Them French kids are a bit more laid back than their Latino cousins. A quiet gig.

Watched 'Scarface' last night on the bus. Suddenly dawned on me that it's the first time I've seen it since "the 90s" and not been acting out nearly every scene with Tony Montana - political refugee. (I never did get that tiger I promised myself). Great film though.

I send you this message from Marseille (that's also in France). Gig tonight, then onto our spiritual home ITALIA.


We're in Rome. It's great to be back. I forget how much I love this town. Very pleasing to the eye. Noisy though. Was everyone born tooting a fuckin' horn here, or what?

Watched Man City last night. Fuckin' blew it in the last minute. Feel sorry for Sparky. Some of our players are dopey. Still, 2-2 away from home's not bad.

They had Sky News at the hotel. I kept seeing re-runs of The Brits. My God, you could smell the cheese from the Colosseum.

Bang-up for this gig tonight. If memory serves me correctly we smashed it here last time. There may have been a small riot!

I have to go. A pair of Mohamed al-Fayed's shoes have just arrived.

FORZA ROMA!! What a gig. Up there with best so far. Loud, loud, loud!!

Woke up in Venice this morning. 6.45 am. Had to get a boat to our hotel. Sailed through the "streets" then across the river just as the sun was rising up like a fuzzy tennis ball in the haze. What a beautiful way to start the day.

Being interviewed by The Sunday Times today. Wonder how long it'll take the geezer to mention Tony Blair? 30 mins, I reckon.

Got a day off here tomorrow. Should be interesting getting on that boat drunk later. Wonder if Mohamed al-Fayed's shoes will get wet? I'll let you know.

posted by おっさn at 06:04| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

February 12-15, 2009


We're in Madrid. The sun's out and it's actually warm! WARM!!

New band from Liverpool are on this bit of the tour with us. Free Peace is their name. Heavy R'n'B is their game. With emphasis on the 'B'.

Looking forward to this leg. Then again, I always say that.

It IS warm though (did I mention that?).

Hasta Luego.


Great show last night. We were a bit rusty after a week off but the gig was mega. Possibly the loudest crowd yet.

Free Peace were outrageous. The kid who plays the electric guitar is far out, man. No plectrum!! I'm being a bit of a muso, but it was stunning.

Off to Barcelona today. Tuff Levi's coming over for a night out. Should be messy.

I'll be out of the game for the next 48 hours. See you on the other side.

"All we are saay-ing is give Free Peace a chance".

Alright there. Phew! Barcelona was a great gig. And a great night. Free Peace are still having it. Tuff Levi turned up. Played us some of his new tunes. Sounded great the first couple of times then it got a bit silly. Must've heard 'em 20 times in a row! All good though.

Couple of Swedish friends of ours were in town (they're DJs). Me, The Prophet, Romeo, Levi and a few stragglers went to some discotheque they were playing at after the show. A good night. If I remember correctly (which I don't!).

Currently in Lisbon. Dunno much about the place. We don't seem to come here often. Or do we? Fuck knows.

It's a nice day though.
posted by おっさn at 06:03| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

February 3-4, 2009

Hello there. Been a few days, eh? Where HAVE we been? I know we were in Milan last night. What a night! A great, great gig was followed - somewhat predictably - by a monumental drink-up. Didn't go out anywhere. Just at the hotel bar.

David Beckham came to the gig. Was good to catch up with him again after that night in Vegas - remember?

Irie Nancy was in town and all. Shopping, of course. She brought me big laughs and tales of The Mighty I. who's taken to wearing tights while the cold bites back home.

Am currently in a TV studio in Paris. Hanging around. Doing nothing. Still a little bit drunk, I think.

Flying to Germany tonight to do that show we cancelled the other week. Or maybe it's tomorrow. Fuck knows. Either way, I'd rather be in bed.

Au revoir'n'all that.

Well, that's all for now, droogs. Got a week off. This bit's been hard graft, man. Europe in the dead of winter is fuckin' grim. Must make a mental note not to do this again.

Some great nights though. Milan, in particular. Those crazy kids killed me, man. FORZA MILANO. Amsterdam and all. Never did get to the bottom of that bastard glass of port!

By the way, there's gonna be a very special release coming your way soon. Remember that "Amorphous Androgynous" lot I was telling you about? Well, they've done a "Monstrous Psychedelic Bubble" mix of "Falling Down". It's 22 mins long. I'll repeat that, TWENTY-TWO MINUTES LONG!! I fully expect 50% of you not to have the attention span to deal with something like that but the rest of you, I hope, will be blown away. It's a staggering piece of music. Monumental even. All superlatives will apply.

Anyway, enough. Time off has just begun.
posted by おっさn at 06:01| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


January 26-30, 2009

Where've we been since last time? Fuck knows. Gothenburg last night. That much I do know.

Met up with some old friends. From that band "The Soundtrack Of Our Lives". They were dj'ing at some club. Pretty fuckin' rowdy, as I remember. Think there was a definite Viking element to the evening.

Met the Swedish cultural minister last night! Bit of a dude, by all accounts. Lord knows what shit I filled his head with. Sven Goran Eriksson probably.

Just on the way to Oslo. Norway.

I like Scandinavia . Very clean.

I must go. I think I'm starting to ramble.

In a bit.


PS: Still trying to get to the bottom of who had 1 glass of Port and a packet of cheese and onion crisps in Amsterdam the other night. Everyone's taking the 5th. The smart money's on the guy from Q Magazine though. We may never know.

Now..I know there's a world financial crisis going on, but I went for a Chinese the other night in Oslo, right - and guess what? No fortune cookie! What the fuck is all that about? How is anyone supposed to plan for future events pertaining to one's personal situation if you don't know what the future holds? If the Chinese can't afford to put cryptic analysis of future events (with lottery numbers) on a strip of paper inside a bendy-biscuit then we are well and truly fucked!! I wonder if Obama can sort that?

Talking of whom - I see me and him are going head-to-head for an NME award. Burnin' Natty sent me a full colour page piece they ran about it in the Manchester Evening News. Ganja Prince remarked that it looked like a boxing promo poster. Apparently Obama's people have asked for a framed copy to put in the bog at the White House!

We were in Stockholm last night. That band The Caesars have been opening up for us the last few nights. I've liked them for a while. They've got a few good tunes and 1 fuckin' belter called "Kick You Out". And a very smart, very good drummer.

The crowds are getting younger and younger. Kids! Actual real kids.

Been watching MTV a bit on this tour (don't ask me why?). That Justin Timberlake is in nearly every fuckin' video - even his own! Does he ever have a day off?

France today. Dunno where. Some city that sounds like a baby-girl's name.

Mange tout, and all that.

Can't get shut of this fuckin' cold. A major-major pain in the arsehole. Still, it does mean one can legitimately drink before going onstage. Whiskey, hot water, half a lemon and a splash of honey (a Hot Toddy they call it - handsome!). Helps make it fun, at least.

Incidentally, I hate that word, 'Toddy'. It makes me feel uncomfortable, that and the word 'latte' AND the word 'bonkers'. The latter almost drives me to violence.

We're in Belgium. I have no idea why. We're supposed to be in France. I'm in a hotel in Brussels. Called the "Amigo"? How very..erm, Spanish. Added to that I have a fuckin' didgeridoo in my room!! A fuckin' didgeridoo? It's a cultural mess. It's absolutely bastard bonk..oh, fuck off!!

posted by おっさn at 21:56| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


January 20-23, 2008

When was the last time I sent one of these? I can't remember. Berlin maybe? Fuck knows.

Had to blow the show out in Dusseldorf yesterday. Romeo's lost his voice and can't sing. Think it's already been re-scheduled for sometime in the next week or so.

It does mean we get 2 days off in Amsterdam though (every cloud'n'all that, eh?).

I'm not a massive fan of the 'dam. It used to be pretty laid back and serene in the 80s. It just seems to be full of c***s these days. They all seem to be English and all. Ended up in some Irish bar last night (what would the world be without Irish bars?). Playing pool and getting pissed. It seems me and Cool Prophet are the pool masters.

Dunno what to do today. Go for a walk and get high, I suppose. Or get high and go for a walk?

Decisions, decisions..

Bored of Amsterdam now. Been here 3 days. Far too long for my liking. Still got another show tonight. And a fuckin' day off here tomorrow. There's not a great deal to do here at the best of times but it's particularly grim in the middle of winter.

Glad that Kaka business is over. Somewhat predictably he didn't fancy it. The fuckin' newspapers are having a field day with City at the moment. It's getting boring.

Talking of the papers. Did anyone see that story of Oasis allegedly meeting Tom Cruise in a hotel in Berlin?! Ludicrous. The mind boggles at where these stories come from. Pure nonsense.

Q magazine are with us for a couple of days. At least it'll alleviate the boredom. I like doing interviews. I find myself having opinions on things I truly couldn't care less about. I wonder what they'll ask me about this time? Blur re-forming, I suppose. We'll find out soon enough.

Urgh! My head hurts today. Had a bit of a smash-up last night. Where? But an Irish bar of course. Me and Cool Prophet were the last ones left at it - again! So I got left with the bar bill - which I've just found in my pocket. It reads as follows:

29 pints of Guinness
16 pints of Strongbow
6 pints of Jupiler (whatever the fuck that is!)
4 pints of Heineken
3 Gordon's gin
5 Sauza Tequila
12 Bacardis
11 Vodka Stolis
14 Jameson whiskey
10 Bushmills Malt
16 bottles of Coke
7 bottles of tonic
4 7-Up

...and this is the killer: 1 glass of Port and a packet of Cheese and Onion crisps!!??

All came to a colossal EUR708.40. Bargain.
posted by おっさn at 06:39| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


January 13-17, 2009

Arright. Happy new year and all that. How was x.mas for you (not that I give a shit)? I didn't bother much with the unpacking when we got home after the USA tour. But on closer inspection, on the day I packed for this bit, it would seem that somewhere between Washington and Heathrow some C**T baggage handler has been and stole a leather jacket (my favourite, favourite jacket) out of my suitcase. Don't know why I'm telling you this, but I'm devastated.

It's good to be back at work, I must say. If only to pick up the electric guitar again. Just come from Nantes. In France. Which, quite frankly, felt like it was still closed for the holidays. Did manage to stay in THE SHITTEST hotel in the world though. And buy a pair of scissors (don't ask).

I'm looking forwards to this. It's my favourite bit. Great countries. Great cities. Nice people all over the place. We've got some actually brilliant support bands as well.. Twisted Wheel. Glasvegas and Free Peace (who you won't have heard of yet). Google them (I believe that's what you young people do, innit?)

Today we're in Brussels. It's pissing down. I'm staying in bed all day.

In a bit.


PS: Did anyone get that "Psychedelic Bubbles" album?

Fuck me it's cold!! Is this tour just gonna follow the snow, or what?

Hello. We're currently in Dresden. In the former East Germany. And it fuckin' feels like it!!

My voice is slowly going. I've got one of those annoying tickley coughs. Apologies in advance if you come to one of the gigs and I can't hit the high-notes but the winter's a bitch and people get colds so, like..erm..fuck off.

My "people" have managed to track me down a replacement jacket for the one that was robbed out of my case. I love my "people".

Hamburg tomorrow. That's where The Beatles came before they went back to Liverpool.

I'm off to suck on some throat sweeties.

If anyone came to the Hamburg show last night (well done, by the way!), can I just apologise that you had to witness me coughing my insides up at various points during the evening. An undignified sight I know, but this cold is killing me.

We're in Berlin so today I can say, 'Ich bin fuckin' freezing!'.

Not much happening lately. The daily chat's been dominated by the story of that Kaka's proposed move to the almighty Man City. Looks like the Sheiks are starting to put their money where their mouths are. So it looks like Robinho really was just the start! Colossal amounts of money are being talked about. Obscene, some have said. Ferguson's face was a picture in his press conference yesterday though. That in itself was worth £100m. He looked shell-shocked. Bring it on, I say. Fuck morals. Fuck Arsene Wenger and his socialist football nonsense. Fuck all that bollocks about the club losing its identity. What identity?? The fact that we've been skint for 30 years?

Just a thought though, your highness... now you've started throwing the money around - can we have a new kit? No one likes the current one.
posted by おっさn at 06:34| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


December 16-21, 2008

Disaster struck last night. The fuckin' bus broke down. 4 hours kip was all we got 'til we ground to a halt in the middle of nowhere. Pitch-black and snowing sideways. Me, Tall Scratch and The Shroud had to pile on Romeo Dread's bus. Nightmare. I can safely say, "I bet that's never happened to Bono".

Didn't sweat it though. We're on the way to NYC, baby, and Neil Young's playing tonight. Can't wait. I fuckin' love that cat (and I'll tell him as much if we get to speak to him later).

Still snowing. Must be nearly x.mas, eh?

Now then. Been lost in the city for the last few days. Lots to tell. Where do we start?

Neil Young was fuckin' awesome. Outrageous even. The last true living legend. 63 years of age and he fuckin' smashed it. He finished his set with not one single string left on his axe! NOT ONE!! Immense.

Snowing again here. Had a sore head yesterday. Proper drink the night before. At the Beatrice Inn. Nice gaff. Typical NYC bar though. Pitch black. Strange people. Very tall.

I met a guy. French he was. Comes up to me and sez in a perfect Inspector Clouseau accent, "Do you remember me? We met in Camden town 15 years ago. I asked you for a light and you punched me in the throat and said, 'Go and fuck yourself, you fuckin' tourist!!' You don't remember?"

My missus is in town. Done a bit of freewheelin' round the Village yesterday. Got serenaded with Stevie Wonder's "Just Enough For The City" by a homeless (pretty good version actually). Shopped a bit for various kids.

Met up with Cool Prophet and Tall Scratch. Few drinks in the hotel bar and bedways.

Just leaving town for Philadelphia. 2 more gigs and that's it.

Looking forward to getting home. City are in crisis. They need me.

So that's that then. What a tour! Been to Vegas twice. Carried Ricky Hatton's belts out. Met David Beckham. Met Sly Stallone and that guy that says, "Let's get ready to rumble!" at the big fights. Seen a great Beatles tribute band. Got shit-faced with Ricky in 2 different countries. Watched Tall Scratch set a new world record for speed dj'ing. Hung out with a Sex Pistol and an ex-Smith. Met up with old Russ' in Vegas. Seen De La Hoya get his face smashed in. Got more shit-faced with Ricky. Witnessed an actual miracle in the Playboy Bunny Club. Gasped at the glory of the mountains out in the big country. Froze at least one of my bollocks off in the arctic wastelands in the middle of nowhere. Met up with our old hippy brothers, The Black Crowes. Dj'd at a couple of radio stations. Seen Neil Young and we smashed it at the Garden.

1 Organ.
2 amps.
6 fx pedals.
2 pairs of trainers.
1 pair of jeans.
2 scarfs.
1 leather jacket.

Bought a book on The Who and read a book by that Jack Kerouac. Listened to a lot of cosmic space music from the cosmic juke-box. And fell in love with one truly great, great album (seriously - buy that 'Monstrous Psychedelic Bubble' record. NOW! Do it NOW!)

Like I say.. WHAT A TOUR!!

See you next year. Thanks for listening.
posted by おっさn at 04:23| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

December 12-15, 2008

Nothing doing here, kids. Went shopping yesterday. For guitars. Didn't buy any. I've already got all the good ones.

Went for a Chinese. They had a freshly boiled frog on the menu!! Boiled frog? YUMMY!!

We're in Chicago, by the way (but you knew that anyway).

It seems like I'm saying this a lot recently, but - fuck me - there's nothing going on at the minute. NOTHING.

Played Detroit last night. Got a day off today (in Detroit). It's a Sunday. Utterly soul-destroyingly dull. So dull in fact that I actually bought something off that ebay last night. A vintage Gibson organ. Very fuckin' cool. Gotta go and pick it up today at some fella's house. Thinking on..that should be quite exciting! Going to a real American person's actual house? Well, there's fuck-all else to do.

I'm currently watching some of that American Football. The New York Jets-V-The Buffalo Bills, in fact. I like it. I'm one of the few Mancunians who actually understand it. It's a very simple game made extremely complicated by mathematics. For example, it's currently 14-3 to the Jets. It's 14.26 in the 2nd. The Jets have the ball on the 22 and it's 3rd down and 8. Erm..sorry?

Got that organ. Very fuckin' cool. Had to go to the guy's house to get it. Don't think I've ever been to an American's actual house. Can't remember being anyway. They do like a flashing, garden-bound x.mas decoration over here, don't they? They love the old Stars'n'Stripes too, eh? Every fuckin' house has got one on the porch (just in case one forgets where one is)!

Watched a couple of great documentaries about a couple of unsavoury American characters of the late 60s, early 70s. 1st one was about Jim Jones and the People's Temple (Google him, I can't be arsed explaining who he was).

The other one was about Charles Manson - whose bullshit, hippy rhetoric about revolution, free love and sex orgies reminds me (funnily enough) of my mate Russell Brand!

Great films though.

Talking of greatness, if you're wondering what to ask Santa for x.mas, ask him for an album called "A Monstrous Psychedelic Bubble Exploding In Your Mind (Vol 1. Space Rock)". It's a compilation album by someone called "The Amorphous Androgynous" (I'd hazard a guess that's a made-up name). I've had it on in the dressing room for a month now. It's one of the best things I've ever, ever heard. Go and find it NOW! It'll blow your tiny little minds.

In a bit.


P.S. Did you see that Arab slinging his flip-flops at Georgie-boy-Bush? Genius. Reminded me of what it's like playing "The Barra" in Glasgow!
posted by おっさn at 04:22| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


December 7-11, 2008

I fuckin' love Vegas. I think I may have mentioned this before. Have I? It's mental. And not good for the soul but I'm glad there's a place on Earth that exists like that and I get to go there once in a while.

The room they gave me at The Palms was incredible. It had a pool table in it! And a disco shower (that's right, a shower/discotheque)!

Got taken to what's called a high-rollers suite to watch the fight between Manny Paquiao and Fighting Oscar de la Hoya and what a fight! Paquiao battered him senseless. De la Hoya quit in the 8th (shithouse!).

Tricky-Ricky-Hatton was in town ('coz he's fighting the winner, see?). He popped his little head round the door 5 mins before showtime. Good to see him again. I may have mentioned this once or twice before but he's a good fuckin' lad. He cleared out a few Guinness and went out front to watch the gig.

The first person I spot in the gig (out of thousands) is my 4th best friend Russell Brand casually eyeing up people to get pregnant. Sadly for him it's mainly boys at our gig (although I'm not sure that'd stop him). That dressing room was too small for all them people, it could've got dangerous. Good fun though.

Me, Russell, Ricky, Burnin'Natty and various others had a look upstairs at the Bunny-Club (did I mention that The Palms is somehow affiliated to Playboy?). Poor Russell, he didn't know where to start. He was like a dog in a cake shop.

There's too much to tell really. Ricky turned up in a wheelchair, the DJ played some hip-hop bootleg of 'Wonderwall', all manner of shit was going on. I slung it before sunrise (a wise move!).

I'm at this moment back on the bus. Underneath the big sky. In the middle of nowhere. On the way to Denver. Mountains out of every window. Glorious. No wonder they all believe in God out here.

Anyway, my head hurts. I need breakfast.

Denver was cold, man! Fuckin' freezing. Minus something or other. Left and went to bed in a snowstorm. Woke up somewhere else. 12 hours away.

Think we're in Minnesota. Bob Dylan country. It's cold, flat, grey and bleak. No wonder he fucked off to NYC. Even the cattle look miserable.

Just had breakfast at Trumps' Truck Stop. It was full of fat men in baseball caps in sleeveless t-shirts!! Sleeveless!? It's fuckin' freezing!!!

We're on the way to Minneapolis. I'm expecting endless boredom. It's a long way from California.

So..Minneapolis? An arctic wasteland more like. Fuck living here!! Have these people not heard of California? You think it's cold in England?! It's colder than Thatcher's soul (if that's at all possible).

Stayed in last night. Endlessly flickin' round on the telly. I found THE most ludicrous programme I think I've ever seen. It was on a channel called Spike TV. And the programme was called "Manswers". Which - if I'm not very much mistaken - is a show that answers the questions American men are asking. "Manswers". Get it? Ok.

What follows is TRUE. It's what I saw and I hadn't been drinking.

1. What's the most powerful handgun available on the market? (There was a few to choose from and their power was demonstrated by birds with big tits in bikinis firing them in slow motion!! It looked and sounded like a spoof trailer for a Quentin Tarantino movie. Fuckin' mental yet, strangely compelling!)

2. How can you survive being hit by a car? (Apparently there IS a technique which was demonstrated by a trained stuntman (not in a bikini) and I was told NOT to try it at home!! What? Not even a little practice?)

3. How would big boobs bounce on the moon?!!! (An "expert" actually explained that they (the boobs) would react in the same way as they would if they were underwater! FUCKIN' LUDICROUS!!)

4. What's faster - a man or his sperm? (To demonstrate this they had a midget in a white all-in-one Lycra body suit on a running machine. He signified the sperm, I think?)

5. What's the horniest animal in the jungle? (You simply HAVE to know, don't you? Thinking on...maybe I'd been spiked with acid).

Fuckin' ludicrous the lot of it. Gimme Seinfeld any day.

In a bit.


PS. The Bonobo Chimpanzee is the horniest animal in the jungle (just in case you were wondering).

Nothing to say today. Nothing happened. We're in Chicago. It's equally as cold as Minneapolis.

We did catch up with some old friends yesterday though. Them being The Black Crowes. We toured with them in 2002 (I think). They were playing across the street. Good to see Chris. He's a lord.

That's it. Fuck all y'all. I'm going back to bed.
posted by おっさn at 09:25| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする


December 2-6, 2008

There's a fog upon LA (the quiet one said that). I love the fog. We don't get it much in England anymore (not round my manor anyway).

I'm growing to like this town more and more. Is that wrong?

Went to a party the other night. Andy was dj'ing. Speed dj'ing, in fact. Like a crackhead. He must've set some record for the most amount of tunes played in the least amount of time.

Got 2 days off now. Not much fun without the sun though. There's always shopping, I suppose.

Seen the shittest busker of all time yesterday in Santa Monica, but I did purchase a lovely pair of brown cords.

That's pretty much it.

We were up in northern California yesterday. Oakland. The scenery from the airplane window on the way up was stunning - stunning, I tells ya!

Back on the road with Ryan Adams. Good to see him again.

Gig weren't all that. Had a few "technical problems" which pretty much amounts to cunts not doing their cunting jobs properly. I won't go into detail - I'll be here all morning. Mind you, someone in the front row fainted half way through. It's a strange sight when someone gets oxygen and then stretchered out while the band plays on!

Back in LA (AGAIN!!) today. Actually gonna get to do a gig here tonight. Seems like we've been here for weeks without doing anything.

They reckon Morrissey's on the guest list tonight! Really? I'll believe it when I see him. An Oasis concert doesn't sound like the natural environment where one would see a Morrissey.

Beautiful day though. I'm off for a walk with my girl and my boy.

Well, well, well. He turned up! Morrissey was actually in our actual dressing room. Being very funny. He asked me did I have any "new moves"!! Genius.

Steve Jones (the Sex Pistol) was there. A proper dude. Can't tell you what a buzz it is to have 2 of the people who are absolutely responsible for you making music in the room. I love meeting my heroes. They're all top, top geezers.

Gig was good. Went to the after show to see a few cats who come over from England. Didn't hit it hard though. Got my boy in town. Not fair dad rolling in at dawn stinking the gaff out. Got another 2 weeks of that.

Which brings me to tonight. Back in Vegas. At The Palms. Very 70s. Ricky Hatton's in town (again!) as is Russell Brand and the elusive Matt Morgan. Gonna watch the Oscar de la Hoya fight and then rip it up (so to speak). Could and should get messy.
posted by おっさn at 05:42| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | TALES FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする